Are we there yet?
by Ranger24
Summary: Minor spoilers for chapter 282 inside! One two year long trip across the dark continent. One Dragon... god... thing, one depowered Magi, and one King's vessel reduced down to a foot tall doll with a detachable head. A lot of time to kill and not much to do.


Are we there yet?

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

 **Two months into the journey across the dark continent...**

"I spy with my little eye..."

"Freaky trees."

"Yep. Your turn."

"I spy with my little eye something small, cylindrical, and annoying that starts with an A," Judar growled.

"Hey, no reason to get hostile Judar," Alibaba replied.

"We've been playing I spy for six days straight," Judar snapped back. "You've done those freaky trees down there seventy eight times!"

"If you didn't want to play anymore you could have just said so," Alibaba said.

"Seriously why didn't you," the Mother Dragon asked? "You two have been driving me insane back there with this I spy non-sense."

"Sorry miss," Alibaba said.

"How long tell we get to the great rift again?" Judar asked.

"About one year ten months," the Mother Dragon replied.

Judar groaned.

"Alibaba you said you were alone with yourself for what felt like one hundred years, how did you kill time?" He asked.

"I contemplated the mysteries of universe, solved mathematical proofs, briefly went insane, got bored of being insane, became sane again, figured out Sinbad is probably David, contemplated the issues with my love life, briefly went insane again with parts of my mind personifying themselves as people I know, got bored of that again, became sane again, then figured out the easiest way to solve global poverty without forcing the wealthy to give up to much of their money, and then contemplated trying to find Aladdin a girl friend if I ever made it back."

Judar was silent for a few moments.

"Yeah I'm just going to take a nap for a few days," he said. "Wake me if it looks like I'm going to starve to death."

"Okay," Alibaba replied.

"Screw off," Judar growled.

 **Three months into the journey across the dark continent...**

"And that sums up the situation I was in regarding Balbadd and the Kou Empire," Alibaba said finishing his story.

"So Kouen and Hakuryuu both basically made the same deal except Kouen was throwing in Kougyoku as a bonus," Judar said picking dirt out from underneath his nails.

"Not sure I'd call her a bonus," Alibaba muttered.

"Why what's wrong with her?" Judar asked. "I mean besides Sinbad controlling her mind, could make things weird in the bedroom..."

"No not that!" Alibaba said quickly.

"What you want Sinbad watching you screw your wife?" Judar asked with an evil grin.

"No!" Alibaba snapped. "Its just that I'd just promised Morgiana..."

"And Koumei said you were free to bring long a few concubines," Judar replied. "I don't see what the problem is."

"If you don't get it you must be absolutely terrible with women Judar," the Mother Dragon commented.

"Meh," Judar shrugged.

"Human politics is hardly my interest but I can understand the complex and difficult situation you were facing Alibaba," the Mother Dragon said. "I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to tell Morgiana you would have to break things off with her."

"Well... I kind of didn't tell her..."

Silence followed.

"Excuse me?"

"Look I was going to tell her after the summit but then Judar showed up."

"Fun times," Judar added.

"Then I ran off with Aladdin to try and get Hakuryuu to stop the war before it could really start."

"And then you ended up like this," Judar said. "Good job tiny."

"So you basically left two women in mourning?" The Mother Dragon demanded.

"It's not like I planned this or anything!" Alibaba exclaimed.

"I think I'm going to spend the next month hating you Alibaba," the Mother Dragon said coldly.

"Ha!" Judar laughed.

"Still like him more than I do you Judar," the Mother Dragon shot back.

"Like I care," Judar replied.

"I think I feel some turbulance coming on..."

"Shutting up now."

"I thought so."

 **Four months into the journey across the dark continent...**

"Twenty one casks of wine on the wall, twenty one casks of wine," Alibaba sang.

"Take one down pass it around, twenty casks of wine on the wall," Judar sang.

"You know I've never had wine before," the Mother Dragon commented. "How is it?"

"Depends on the wine," Alibaba replied. "Usually a bit sweet and little dry."

"Sounds disgusting," the Mother Dragon said.

"Its an aqcuired taste," Alibaba replied.

"Hey quick question," Judar said.

"Yes?" The Mother Dragon asked.

"You aren't just carrying us around for two years because you were lonely and wanted some company are you?"

There was a silence.

"I supposed I could shave a few days of the journey," the Mother Dragon admitted.

"Knew it."

"Of course there go your food and bathroom breaks."

"Never mind."

"I thought so."

 **Five months into the journey across the dark continent...**

"Hey Alibaba."

"Yes Judar?"

"Were you the one who showed Kougyoku how to make those flower crowns?"

"Yes..."

"You son of a bitch," Judar growled.

"What?" Alibaba demanded.

"She was making those damned things for six freaking months!" Judar shouted.

"I don't see the problem," Alibaba replied.

"You would if you had piles of wilted flower crowns all over the place!" Judar snapped. "She gave everyone like forty of the damned things! The only reason she stopped was because she'd picked the gardens clean!"

"Why do you care?" Alibaba asked.

"What part of piles of wilted flower crowns everywhere don't you get?" Judar demanded. "Did I mention I have allergies to certain types of pollen?"

"Well excuse me for trying to be friendly to someone who was basically being used by everyone else around her as a pawn in their own private political chess games," Alibaba said sarcastically. "Maybe I should have secretly plotted to have our kids take control of the Kou Empire, or turned her into my own private mind controled spy, or send her into a dungeon for my own kicks, or plot to marry her off for political gains. I'm sorry I treated Kougyoku as a human being with emotions, feelings, and aspirations of her own. I clearly should have been just as unscrupulous in my dealings with her as everyone else she knew. Would that have been better Judar?"

There was a silence for a few minutes.

"She so going to fall into depravity when she finds out everything thats going on around her isn't she?" Judar finally said.

"Personally I would like to prevent that from happening," Alibaba answered.

"I wonder what she's doing right now?" Judar said thoughtfully.

 _MEANWHILE..._

"Princess Kougyoku," Ka Koubun said knocking on her door. "You've been requested by the Emperor."

"Just a minute," Kougyoku said with false cheer.

She quietly tucked away the dagger she had been sharpening. She then turned to face to cloth dolls shaped roughly like Alibaba and Judar and put a hand to her chin.

"Should I cut off Sinbad's balls or his head first," she wondered aloud? "Or maybe I should remove his tongue first? What do you think Judar?"

The small cloth doll shaped like Judar promptly stood up.

"Kougyoku," he said chiddingly. "That's letting him off to easy; you should flay him first, cut off his balls while he's aroused, then remove his tongue before leaving him locked in a cage for all time."

"That's a bit screwed up Judar," Kougyoku replied. "What do you think Alibaba dear?"

The small cloth shaped like Alibaba promptly stood up.

"Kougyoku, excessive cruelty makes you no better than Sinbad. He needs to pay for what he did but only equal measure to the crime," he said in a polite and reserved tone. "First take his ears, then take his head. Preferably you should deafen him first and kill him in such a away that only you will pay for the act."

"That might be better," she agreed.

"Say when you're done with your audeince with Hakuryuu you want to mess around?" The Alibaba doll asked slyly.

"Oh Alibaba dear," Kougyoku said blushing. "You're such a dirty man..."

"Princess?" Ka Koubun called.

"Yes?" Kougyoku asked quickly inserting Vinea into her hair.

"Can you please talk to your sex toy when I'm not at the door," Ka Koubun asked. "Because now I need to go down a couple of cups of wine and pretend I never heard that."

"Yes. Yes." Kougyoku said rolling her eyes.

"Hey what do you think you are trying to pull with Kougyoku?" The Judar doll demanded.

"Hey buddy you had your chance for years, not my fault you blew it," the Alibaba doll replied.

"That's it come here you son of a whore!" The Judar doll proclaimed.

"Judar!" Kougyoku exclaimed in shock.

"Oh right..." The Judar doll said quickly. "I didn't mean it, I swear!"

"Guess who is exiled to dresser tonight?" Kougyoku growled.

"Princess," Ka Koubun repeated almost pleadingly.

"I'm coming," Kougyoku replied.

"Not yet but you will be," the Alibaba doll quipped.

"Oh Alibaba dear," Kougoku said blushing.

As soon as she was out of the room Ka Koubun quickly poked his head inside. Neither doll had actually moved. Not that he had expected them to have moved. Neither had either of them actually been speaking as Kougyoku had been making the voices herself. He wasn't sure how he felt about his Princess personifying two halves of her concious as the slain prince of Balbadd who had been killed by the current Emperor and the crazy Magi who had helped spark said Emperor's rebellion.

"I need a vacation," he muttered.

 _Back on the dark continent..._

"I'm sure she's fine," Alibaba said reassuringly.

 **Six months into the journey across the dark continent...**

"Hooray one quarter of this dumb journey completed," Judar declared sarcastically. "Eighteen months to go."

"That's the spirit Judar," Alibaba replied.

"I swear on Solomon's ass," Judar growled. "I hate you."

"If you want I can turn around and we can go back?" The Mother Dragon suggested.

"No thank you," Judar said flatly.

 **Seven months into the journey across the dark continent...**

"So do we actually have a plan for when we get back?" Judar asked.

"Well I figure that the first order of business is to find me a body," Alibaba said. "Pretty sure I'm a corpse by now."

"Corpses aside my first order of business is to take a bath," Judar said.

"Please do so as quicklly as possible," the Mother Dragon commented.

"Excuse me?"

"Let's just say that if it wasn't for the fact that the wind is blowing your stench away from my nose I would probably have keeled over by now," the Mother Dragon said.

"Are you saying I stink?" Judar asked.

"I would prefer to be around Alibaba's corpse to you stench Judar," the Mother Dragon replied.

"Good thing I don't have a working nose right now," Alibaba added.

"Oh shut up," Judar growled. "After that I'm going to go find Hakuryuu and get back to raising hell and blowing stuff up."

"I honestly think we should try to keep a low profile," Alibaba said. "We need to figure out what's going on and what's happened since our fight. Being dead might have its advantages."

"And what if everyone we know is either dead or has moved on?" Judar asked. "Also what's with the we thing? I'm ditching you the moment I get my magoi back to full strength."

"It's only been nine months Judar," Alibaba replied. "I doubt we've been replaced yet."

 _MEANWHILE..._

Hakuryuu shifted uncomfortably at the table as Morgiana silently picked at her food.

"So..." He started.

"Hakuryuu," she said looking up. "Alibaba has only been dead for about nine months, last time you tried to propose to me you forced me to kiss you, and you are the person who killed Alibaba. The answer is still no."

"Yeah," Hakuryuu muttered. "I guess I should have figured that."

"Try again in a couple of months maybe," Morgiana replied returning to her meal.

"Wait what?"

"I'm in mourning, not dead," Morgiana stated flatly. "And I think that Alibaba wouldn't want me to be pining after him for the rest of my life. I'm just asking for some time."

"Oh," Hakuryuu said glumly. "Okay."

Aladdin poked his head into the dinning room at that moment.

"Someone mind giving me a hand?" He asked. "Kougyoku's doing that thing again where she's talking to her dolls. I think she might need therapy."

 **Eight months into the journey across the dark continent...**

"So this may seem a bit weird," the Mother Dragon said suddenly. "But I have a favor to ask the both of you."

"And that would be?" Judar asked.

"Well its been a long time since my scales had a good cleaning. Do you two mind..."

"Ew no!" Judar exclaimed.

"Oh come on Judar," Alibaba replied. "How bad can it be?"

 **Nine months into the journey across the dark continent...**

"How's it going back there?" The Mother Dragon asked.

"Lady this is absolutely disgusting!" Judar screamed trying to scrap the dirt off his hands on the Mother Dragon's scales.

"Hey at least you aren't having to get between the scales," Alibaba said poping out from under a scale covered in grim.

"Look on the bright side, you're almost half way done," the Mother Dragon replied.

"Hate you," Judar said seething with rage. "Hate you both."

"And we're almost half way there," the Mother Dragon added.

"This going to be a long fifteen months," Alibaba said dryly.

* * *

 **Ranger24: Its been a very long time since I posted anything, mostly because I get overly ambitious and stuff never gets off the ground. Still though a good old one shot every now and again is still something I can do. Read and Review folks.**


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